So I don't know if it's because this is my second time around the old cancer floor or not, but the anxiety is real. I feel like its so much worse then the first time i was here. i mean most of it is probably because of my PTSD, right? I literally can't stop my mind from wondering. i think about everything and nothing all at the same time. ( Probably because i'm in a room 24/7) and... the worst part is that i don't yet know if i will be in the hospital for the holidays!!!!! I am subconsciously freaking the F out! ( to say the least)
I feel like I am the only person in my situation. However I know better. There are other mothers that have to leave there children to get healthy.There are other people that need to pick up the pieces that i can't. There is someone diagnosed with cancer, what every 3 minutes in the world? Why do I feel this panic?
I have this rush of emotions coming over me like... you need to make sure this is done and this gets fixed and this has been signed and he has this for school and super mom comes out and I sit back and do my breathing exercises and try to calm myself down and try and remember that i'm stuck in this uncomfortable hospital bed. I have to trust my sons father wholly that he will make sure every minute detail is the way I like it, and that I need to just relax. That my job is to JUST RELAX. ( where's the ativan?)